Summer 2009
Possibly the best week of my life. Drama's parents have a nice condo down in Osoyoos so we decide it'd be a good idea for the 10 of us to head down with a ton of beer and a destructive mentality. First off let me tell you a little about Osoyoos.
Located in BC it is one of the hottest places in Canada, and has a massive lake that stretches into Washington, obviously making it a prime location for slam pieces ripe for the taking. Needless to say we were all pumped as we piled into 2 separate rides.
Me and Flow hopped in Rez's old as balls Accord, while Drama and the rest of them ( Breezy, ConDaddy and Wonka) jumped into his dads black denali. For our own good Drama's dad, Midas and his friend, Gumby were accompanying us on this journey. At first we were displeased but as you'll see it was a fantastic idea.
So early Friday morning and were off. Our 2 convoys blasting of Calgary and barreling feet first into British Columbia, ready to make Osoyoos our bitch. We stop a few times along the way to piss and eat, but eventually we pull into a large fenced off area.
All around us are boats. Yes. Rez pulls over the car and we quickly exit and proceed to enter the large warehouse in front of us with Midas and the rest of the bro's. I remember gazing at it with disbelief. "You can land a fucking jumbo jet in this thing"
Midas has to be one of the biggest beauty's I've ever met. Hes a tall bear of a man with a big smile and a greasy blunt sense of humor. His buddy Gumby has similar attributes. Midas leads us into the massive hanger and past rows of boats until we reach the mac daddy of power boats.
I'm not familiar with boat brands or anything but even I could tell this thing was boss. Huge bazooka speakers hanging off the rack above your head. Leather seats. Fresh chrome. And it was massive! We could of had a fucking party on this boat, and yet it still looked fast enough to hurt yourself on ( which of course we did ).
"This is going to be unreal"
DAY 1
We arrive around 4pm and rush out of the rides and up the steep steps towards our very exotic looking condo. Osoyoos is the desert of Canada. The landscape is as orange as an overcooked slam piece at a tanning salon. By the time we reach the second floor where our condo is situated I'm already sweating buckets.
Wonka: Holy fuck I'm sweating like a fat kid out here it has to be 25 degrees out here
Drama: You are a fat kid. Get used to it buddy, we have 6 more days of this
Wonka: Oh yeah sure pick on the fat kid
Wonka likes to make fun of himself and say he's fat...he's more stumpy.
The condo is pretty small but very nice. There is only 2 bedrooms, Midas and Gumby immediately and fairly claim one for themselves and the seven of us get the rest. We rush into the remaining room and after a few minutes of fighting and struggling Drama and ConDaddy are victorious and claim the 2 beds.
The rest of us reluctantly head out to the living room and make our homes on the couches or set up air mattresses. Not that they'll be much sleeping happening anyways.
Drama: Alright boy's this weekends going to be unreal, what you guy's wanna do first?
RedCup: Lets hit the boat before it gets too dark bro, get in the water for a bit look for some ladies. Yeah I got a one track mind, sue me.
Rez: Nah lets get shitfaced first, make a quick stop at the liquor store and get slammed first, we'll boat tomorrow
ConDaddy: I'm with Rez, lets get dusted
Breezy: I dunno, we should take the boat for a rip before it gets dark. We have some beer in the fridge, lets just take some on the boat with us and crush.
5:00 pm.
Eventually we decide to take the boat for a spin and get slammed afterwards, so we change into shorts and head shirtless down the massive desert hill towards the lake, like vultures descending upon a corpse.
We reach the dock in record timing. All around us there are people entering and exiting their boats. Plenty of talent. Broads EVERYWHERE. Fuck yes. We hop into Drama's boat and, with him piloting it, rip out of the dock and into open waters. You couldn't ask for a better day.
After an hour or so of booting around the lake blasting bro beats and announcing our presence to every beach-goer within earshot we decide were bored and wanna get drunk. So Drama rips the boat around and we head back to the docks. As we clamber off the boat and onto the scolding wood Me and ConDaddy spot 2 girls lying on the dock in their bikinis, soaking up the sun. One was a 7 and one was an 8. ConDaddy gives me a nudge and being the slick bastard he is, immediately starts towards them.
Me and Rez quickly catch up to him and join in on the assault. Once we draw closer the 8 turned into an 8.5 and the 7 into a 6. I'm still game. The blonde one ( being the hotter of the 2 ) smiles at us. Weird, usually the uglier ones are nicer, I remember thinking.
BlondeSlut: Hey!
ConDaddy: Hey, hows it going?
The girls glance at each other, charmed by ConDaddy's charisma. He gets that alot.
BrunetteSlut: Not too bad... ( Rude slut )
Rez: What you guy's up to tonight?
The 2 sluts give us a dazed empty stare and shrug their shoulders. Fuck I love sluts.
RedCup: Our buddy ManChild has a condo up the hill you guys should come drink with us later?
5 more minutes of small talk and eventually we snag BlondeSluts number and head back to the condo, victorious, confident at least 2 of us are getting laid tonight.
7:00 pm
Me and the boys are sitting on the patio overlooking the lake and surrounding condos, each with our own bottle of jager on the table in front of us. After getting the girls numbers we made a quick stop and the liquor store and rushed immediately back to the condo, and began crushing jager like it was water. Random drunk talk ensues.
7:10 pm
Rez: My fucking dick is fatter than any of you clowns
Drama: Shut up buddy, I've had a beard since grade fucking 5, my dick was bigger than everyones since preschool
Rez: Yeah fucking right, you see these banana hands!?
Drama: What the fuck does that have to do with dick size? Touch my beard!
Breezy: When are those girls coming over?
RedCup: Yeah Con, you still texting them?
ConDaddy: Yeah man down worry about it!
7:24 pm
Drama: Duuuuude, my dick is fat bro, se-seriously maaan, guarenteeeee is bigger than yours Rez!
Rez: Budddddyyyyy, get reeeal!
Breezy: Dramaaaaa, I dunno man, Rez's dick is pretty big, we've all seen it in the showers man
Wonka: Yeah Drama!
Drama: Shhhhhhhhut up Wonka everyoneeees dicks aree bigger than yourssss!
Wonka: Yeah riiiight fuck you buddy! Pick on the fat kid why dont'chya
RedCup: Letsssss order pizzaaaaaa!
7:40 pm
Drama: REZ MY DICK IS BIGGEEEER SUUURIOUSLY
Rez: Letttts fuuuucking shooow em thann pussy
Flow: Boys are those broads coming?
ConDaddy: Oh fuck, yeaaaaaaah I guess I'll call them
Breezy: Weren't youu te-texting them man?
ConDaddy: Shut up dont rush meeeee, I got this!
This continued on for another hour or so before ConDaddy got a hold of the girls from the dock. I guess ConDaddy's drunken directions were either shit or these girls just took 3 hours to put their faces on, because it wasn't until 10 o'clock that we saw the 2 slam pieces making their way across the parking lot below, towards us.
"Hey ladies over here!" ConDaddy cries, standing up and waving them over. But there was a third with them, another blonde, except much hotter than the other two. Her face was cute but it was her body that got me. Huge tits. Gotta love chicks in sun dresses.
So we give them the grand tour of the place and Midas cooks us some steaks and makes us some nacho's and Gumby and him head out to the pub, giving us some privacy with the broads.
By this point all of us are pretty shit-faced, but we manage to hold up some decent conversation for an hour or so on the patio with them.
After chatting with them for a while I'd come to the conclusion that 2 of them were complete idiots, which is good for us, and the new friend they brought ( we'll call her BigTittiedBlonde ) was not bad to talk to...if your into that sort of thing.
As the clock strikes midnight the alcohol starts to take its toll on us. Rez quickly leaves the patio with Breezy, Flow and Drama and in the distance I'm pretty sure I can hear the sound of vomit hitting the toliet ( I later found out that they had actually gone down to Rez's car to smoke a joint ).
That leaves me Wonka and ConDaddy with the 3 girls. ConDaddy had been chatting up BrunetteSlut all night so I wasn't surprised when after another 20 minutes they quickly exited to the couch inside.
RedCup: Haha, I see youuur frieeeend likes my frriiend!
By this point we are all destructed.
BigTittiedBlonde: Haha I guess so eh!
Wonka: That greasy fuck hahahaha
Blondeslut: What does greasy mean?
Wonka: Oh baby its jus theee waaaay we talk ya know
Blondeslut: *Nervous laugh* Ohhhh
Wonka: Letsss go inside too!
Blondeslut: *Blank stare*
Silence.
Blondeslut: Sure
In my mind there is a small nuclear bomb going off. What the fuck is going on!? Wonka is a decent looking guy but he has the squarest wheels in the league. I can easily recall at least four times of him crashing and burning with ladies, but to tell the truth Blondeslut was digging him all night it seemed.
As I watch the two of them get up from their chairs I turn to BigTittiedBlonde.
"Hey do you wanna plaay a d-drinking game?"
She looks confused for a moment like I'm asking her for a complex math equation.
"Umm sure what game?" she replies in the most 'girly' voice I've ever heard. Fuck thats annoying.
"Beer hockey?" I suggest.
"Whats beer hockey? Like with sticks?" She gives me another constipated, confused, head tilt stare. And I thought this one was smart.
I tell her to forget it and lets just drink. We chat for a bit about random bullshit, and she gets out her camera and we take some pictures together and eventually once I think she's drunk enough I start to put more of an effort in, hoping to seal the deal and get her in a bed inside, but no.
No luck for me tonight. The Bro gods have other plans for me I guess because right when I think things are going good she lets slip that she is dating some pussy soccer player in Vancouver or some shit like that. Fuck this. I know the type of girl you are. Get wasted and bitch about your boyfriend, fuck this shit.
So I decide to be a true bro and make the best out of a shit sandwich. Get comatose drunk. Reach that new level of drunkness that most people try to avoid.
I pour the remaining amount of jag down my throat and clumsily get to my feet. BigTittiedBlonde is mid sentence, babbling about female bullshit.
BigTittiedBlonde: Blah blah blah, my boyfriend, blah blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, my period, blah blah blah
RedCup: *incoherently mutter something about grabbing beer*
I fumble with the patio door but manage to twist the knob and stumble inside onto the tile floor. My world is teetering left and right but even through my drunken goggles I can see the outlines of people fucking on the couches. They didn't even bother to turn of the lights!
I laugh and stumble silently past the blanketed fuckers. Jesus Christ, Wonka is going Mach 10! I was honestly surprised the blanket wasn't flying away. Good for the boys, getting laid.
I remember retrieving my beers from the fridge and drinking three or so before losing consciousness. I specifically remember someone on a patio above us pouring a waterfall of red wine splashing into my face and opened mouth, but thats my last memory of that night.
I woke up the next morning on the living room floor with a blanket wrapped awkwardly around my body. To the left of me is ConDaddy on the couch and to the right is Wonka on the remaining sofa. I can see Flow lying a few meters away in the kitchen. I feel like shit, but manage to sit up and pull out my cell phone. Sure enough in my contact list is BigTittiedBlonde's number, and a new text message from her telling me to give her a call sometime before we leave Osoyoos. I never did end up calling her, but the moral of the story is just because there is a goalie doesn't mean you can't score.
DAY 2
More soon.
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